Considering the title and author of this thread I thought I'd rollout that perennial classic
The nuts List
Ghost nuts You know you've nuts. There's nuts on the toilet paper, but no nuts in the bowl.
Teflon Coated nuts Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of nuts on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey nuts This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This nuts leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought nuts You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead nuts This kind is the kind of nuts that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly nuts You nuts so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now nuts You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker nuts This nuts is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of nuts usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks nuts This nuts hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish nuts You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no nuts!
Cement Block or Oh God nuts You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you nuts.
Snake nuts This nuts is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork nuts (Also Known as Floater nuts) Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This nuts usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food nuts (also called Screamers) You'll know it's alright to eat again when your not a very nice person stops burning.
Beer Drunk nuts This happens the day after the night before. Normally your nuts doesn't smell too bad, but this nuts is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of nuts also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle The kind of nuts that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee nuts The kind of nuts that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire nuts The kind of nuts where you eat really spicy food and your not a very nice person feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler The kind of nuts where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber The kind of nuts that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The nutsty nutsty Bang Bang The kind of nuts that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk nuts The king of nuts that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper nuts The kind of nuts that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper The giant nuts you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas nuts The kind of nuts that makes you pass out and fall off the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl nuts The kind of nuts that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City nuts When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a nuts.
Oh nuts! nuts You nuts so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH nuts!
The Never Ending nuts It's the nuts that keeps running out of your ass like pee, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more nuts runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt nuts The type of nuts that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.