Post by BR *hearts* DM on Jan 31, 2005 1:47:24 GMT -5
...I got this in an email today. I chuckled.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the same time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "Frank", who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1, Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy nuts, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2, Arthur's Afterburner Chili.
Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exiting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be tasting besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush me more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3, Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans
Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone isn in the front part of my chest. I'm getting nuts-faced from all the beer.
Chili #4, Bubba's Black Magic.
Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behing me with fresh refills. That 300 lb pregnant dog is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is this chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5, Linda's Legal Lip Remover.
Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers may a strong statement.
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can no longe focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her that her chili had given me brain damage......(side note.....I about PISSED myself when I read that) Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6, Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety.
Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 - I nuts myself when I farted and i'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that very *friendly* person Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe I disagree with a snow cone.
Chili #7, Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili.
Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like nuts to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8, Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili.
Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chilly.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the same time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "Frank", who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1, Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy nuts, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2, Arthur's Afterburner Chili.
Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exiting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be tasting besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush me more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3, Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans
Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone isn in the front part of my chest. I'm getting nuts-faced from all the beer.
Chili #4, Bubba's Black Magic.
Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behing me with fresh refills. That 300 lb pregnant dog is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is this chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5, Linda's Legal Lip Remover.
Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers may a strong statement.
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can no longe focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her that her chili had given me brain damage......(side note.....I about PISSED myself when I read that) Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6, Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety.
Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 - I nuts myself when I farted and i'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that very *friendly* person Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe I disagree with a snow cone.
Chili #7, Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili.
Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like nuts to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8, Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili.
Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chilly.
